In 1936, a salesman by the name of Dale Carnegie set out to write a textbook instructing people on how to improve interpersonal communication. In the process, he accidentally created a modern classic, spawned the entire “self help” genre as we know it, and forever revolutionized the way we deal with each other.
In the 75 years since it was first published, How to Win Friends and Influence People has sold more than 15 million copies worldwide, and it has been republished well over a dozen times.
"Yep- it says it right here... I'm a genius..."
In preparation for this article, I read both the classic 1980′s Edition (published nearly 30 years ago) and the much more recent How to Win Friends and Influence in the Digital Age. Contrasting these two editions helped me to get a better feel for the material. It also helped me realize a few things. For example:
1. The way we communicate has completely changed in the past 30 years
Thirty years ago, there was no Internet. There was no email, Facebook or Twitter. If you wanted to talk to someone, you called them on the phone, sent them a fax, mailed a letter, or hustled your butt over for an actual face-to-face meeting.
Business meeting, circa 1930
In this modern age, we routinely communicate with family, handle our banking and shopping, and watch full-length movies without ever looking away from our computer screen. There are entire companies which exist without a physical office. Full-time staff is replaced with freelancers; meetings are replaced with telecommuting. And as we continue along into the 21st Century, there is no reason to expect this trend to reverse.
Business meeting, circa 2020
If anything, the modern age suffers from a glut of communication. Emails, tweets and Facebook updates offer constant distractions, leading to a weary and cynical audience. However, if you approach these new technologies with sincerity, they can allow a level of communication never thought possible. Following a person’s tweets, or paying attention to the updates on their Facebook page, can be a great way to get to know someone a little better.
Simply stated: social media can be used (poorly) as just another sales channel, or, more appropriately, it can foster genuine relationships. Approach it with cynicism, and your audience will too. Thankfully the same is true of sincerity.
2. The key to making friends is taking interest in others
The book summarizes this point like so:
You can make more friends in two months by becoming more interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
The next time you walk down the street, pay attention to the people around you. Men in neatly pressed suits. Women covered in makeup and jewelry. Multicolored hairstyles. Witty t-shirt slogans. What do these things have in common? We are each eager for a little attention.
In the animal kingdom it looks a little something like this
Unfortunately, we have all been shouting at each other, so loudly, for so long, that we have all fallen somewhat deaf. This presents us a unique opportunity.
Rather than attempt to get others to notice you, attempt to notice others. Compliment that nice hairdo. Ask about an interesting slogan on a t-shirt. We are all eager to make friends with each other, and most of us aggressively advertise this fact.
Hey man- this might sound a bit crazy, but would you be down for a lightsaber fight?
Remember: you are only a few questions away from a new friend.
3. When we criticize people it really messes them up
In the 1970s a pair of scientists by the name of Shrauger & Rosenberg did a series of studies on the subject of “self-esteem“. During these studies, subjects were repeatedly criticized, and their objective performance level declined. When repeatedly praised, they did better. In other words, simply criticizing was enough to have profound effects on performance, even long after the criticism itself.
Pictured: ineffective communication
But is this really surprising? Not at all. It has long been established that positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement. If you want your kid to do his homework, don’t punish him for slacking off; reward him for completing his assignments. When your employee makes a mistake, don’t scream in his face; remind him that you appreciate his effort. When house-training the dog, don’t smack him in the nose with a newspaper if he pees on the rug; give him a treat after he pees outside.
Pictured: effective communication
Never underestimate the damage done by your criticism, nor the power of your praise.
The Bottom Line
- “How to Win Friends & Influence People” is to the self-improvement genre what “Lord of the Rings” is to the fantasy genre. If you are serious about this subject, you need to read this book.
- Most of the material is obvious, and yet, somehow enlightening. I found myself frequently thinking “why didn’t that occur to me?” while reading.
- “…in the Digital World” is, by far, the superior edition. Not only does it include in-depth discussion of modern communication formats (e.g. Twitter, Facebook, etc), it also includes several fresh examples, pulled from the headlines of the past year or two.
- The secret to friendship according to this book? The Golden Rule: treat others as you would have them treat you.
